31.12.2014
2014 for me was a year with specs
of happiness dotting a generally dull canvas. Though the tone of the written
word depends on the state of mind when written, this all-pervading despondence is
really not the result of a lone bad day. There is a poignant metaphor
“talking about drowning to a parched tongue”, and I would understand if this metaphor is the only thing that comes across as the essence of it after reading. My problems might be small,But I’m still drowning and drowning kills.
Mid last year, Frustrated and
almost disoriented with the low paying job I had, I quit and joined another that
promised me a good pay. The trade-off was a drop in job satisfaction but with a
lot of time in hand to gather my bearings and find out what I wanted to do with
my life. A breathing space if you may. The buoyancy of successfully pulling off
this change lasted well into the start of this year. There was a palpable
optimism and I couldn’t care less about the world around me.
Some convictions over time have a
way of morphing into seeds that eventually grow into these nagging doubts affecting the
same convictions. As the year dragged on, I started feeling the uneasy “what
have I gotten myself into” in my gut. Being used to a culture of breakneck
efficiency and thankless returns, the shift of jobs, instead of giving me a
chance to breathe and contemplate about my future, ironically cast severe
doubts on where I was heading with my life. This new life: the job that i had gleefully gotten into was slow and the
standards of efficiency, ancient. Over time, an abject stolidity settled over
me which turned pretty stubborn, when I tried to wear it down; my bleak efforts
proving futile.
The end of 2013 ended on such a high.
I was happy with how my plans at the start of the year, had panned out. Some of
them, wild, even inside the framework of dream space, came true. I practically
cavorted into 14 from 13. But, in contrast, I don’t feel like facing 15. There is a
vacuum which I want to fill, to make 2014 more meaningful. One year of my life has
just gone by, and I have nothing, absolutely nothing to show for it. All my
resolve breaks when I think about this.
The thing about time is it makes
a lot of our decisions irreversible; the result of which is that the mind, when
faced with setbacks, paints a silver lining around positively depressing days
while simultaneously drawing out a depressing picture of our lives as we live
it now. “Maybe I should have stayed back”, “maybe I should have waited for a
few more months”, “is this what you really want?”, “you can’t go back now even
if you wanted”, “what about 30 years from now?”, “was your decision really
worth it?”. After all this, when your self-doubt
has finished assaulting you, you are bashed up by figments of conversations
from memory. “You can still shift back”, “It is ok, come back”, “I know how
this would turn out, that is why I didn’t take it up”.
Nothing hurts me more than “I
know this would happen”, because deep down, I knew too. Sometime back in the
early 2013, I just wanted to let go, I realised I had enough of "caution and
pragmatism" in life. Even with all the emotions running high, I believed, I had
taken a sustainable decision. A decision that would still land me running, were
I to fall short in my ‘leap of faith’. Unfortunately, as it turned out in 2014, I never took the 'leap'. I ended up finding myself standing still, watching the others fly by me instead.
I realized that the expectations,
the pressure of performance and the pressure of conformity can be easily piled
onto oneself just by thinking about it. In reality, these need not exist at all. But,
once the idea is planted, it festers in your head, it just refuses to leave. A
wall blocks out even the most benign, sane or gentlest of suggestions. You are easily
outraged and find that everyone is out to get you. The world becomes sad and lonely. You are unable to
let people in, taking offence and suspecting every opinion of trying to tamper with your ‘ideals’
that are etched in stone. As more and more opinions are thrown at you, your
objectivity is lost and the mind finds solace in reclusiveness, misinterpreting
and bending even innocuous facts into a potential weapon of proselytization.
Sitting in my office the right now,
typing this, I realise, I have lost a lot of things. First and foremost, the
meaning of what I considered my duty to the country (big words, but true). A
sense of giving back and a feeling of being part of a bigger scheme of things - the two emotions that drove me through the first three years of work, taken away in the first three months here. Slowly, in the next few months,
all that was left was abject cynicism and a general apathy towards all things
living. A mask functioned, earned my livelihood while the face, slept and started
fading away. The more I think about it, the enormity of all this, the more I
stop functioning coherently.
Money, position, power as my
colleagues like to call it drives people who are already primed for it. I have
nothing against them. Not having really been tested in terms of money, till
now, I find it inconsequential as long as there is enough to sail the boat. What
is ‘enough’? I hope I trust my instinct on ‘enough’ and let it go at that.
Power? It should have come naturally or at least should have been thrust upon
me at some point in my life for me to experience the drug. Unfortunately this
has eluded me, partly due to my hesitation and partly due to happenstance. So,
I’m left with preaching happiness as an end to anything we do. The whole idea
of ‘happiness’, resting on flimsy grounds of subjective interpretation.
One of the things I resolved to
do a few years back was to attribute anything and everything that happened to
me, to my actions and my actions alone. I endeavoured to remove the
supernatural from my equations, at least for the time being. This led to a lot
of agony, when the hard truth hit, but also gave me great happiness and
contentment when things did go well. This also gave me moments of great hope in
times of despair when I knew that my fate rested with me and I always had
control, if I chose to wield it. It just so happens that right now, the ‘will’
to soldier on has faltered a bit and the control has slipped off, just a little.
Come Thursday, a New Year starts,
bringing with it so much hope for the hopefuls. 2015 will start slowly for me.
But, enough of ze maudlin me. I am making a pact with myself, as I write, to leave
no stones unturned to fill up 2015 with something, I don’t know what it is now,
but something. Stuff and nonsense. Even if it means more of nonsense than
stuff. Take stock, giddiyup and end 15 in a canter.I will take strength from
the fact that, however bleak 2014 was, I still managed to retain all my
friends, well almost all, I still have people who love me; I’m still cared for.
I managed to get really comfortable in the kitchen. Tried and failed, but tried
nevertheless to learn music; something I will look forward to continue in 2015.
Furthermore I’m optimistic about my travel plans for the coming year too. To
just pack up and get away, get lost in another unexplored city, in a sea of
humanity that is alien to me, blissful. I still haven’t lost my passion for music and am looking
forward to some fresh sounds in the coming year. This whole ‘Music’ thing in the middle of this narrative might seem very
much unrelated to the larger scheme of this ramble, but happiness is my goal,
isn’t it? The fact remains that the two cans I purchased at the start of this
year have brought me the maximum satisfaction. I shall also look forward to
some good times with another ‘asset’ I acquired, my camera. Here goes a small wish for better portraits this year. One of my achievements, if I may use the word has been this blog. The posts have
been regular and it has never been idle for more than a month. Readers? Subscribers?
Well, it is a process, I will get there, someday. I just need to soldier on. No
pain, No gain. I have also become ‘Zen’ about all those things, anyway (not).
As for a plan, I have none. It
might be a blessing in disguise. But at the stroke of midnight today, I shall
take a deep breath and accept things as they are. Most of us are not satisfied
with something or the other in our lives. So what if my work is boring, it has
its perks and positives.
I will take another deep breath
and trust my gut, the way I have done in the past. My life is not a derelict
shack yet, that I have to reconsider rebuilding it; a paint job would suffice for now.
I will draw in the last of these deep
breaths before it becomes a bit weird, and scream off all the shackles holding
me down, scream out all the negativity and scream out happy New Year. All
inside my head, of course.
I'm taking a sure step forward, into 2015; the way you step into unknown territory when you realize you have no other
option and nothing to lose. All of us live to die one day. I would like to live
as this person whose actions were true to the life he led and didn’t delude
himself into thinking more of it that what it actually was.(Is 26 is too early an
age to turn to philosophical chicanery?)
An eternal optimist, this is me hoping
for a good year, fresh mornings, beautiful sunsets, clear skies with twinkling
stars and full moons and holding hands with the people I love.
