It has been ages. The fingers are rusty, the body is restless
and the mind dazed. But, I made a promise to myself last year, that I will come back here.
So here I am.
The time is nearly nine as I type. My thoughts are in a muddle and there is an all pervading sense of melancholy. Where am I? Where am I heading?... I'm Jack sparrow's compass. But in the muddled water that is my mind, I am reminded of people more desperate, sadder and much more in pain than I, who manage to put
up a cheerful front.
Ruminations have become more philosophical. The prolonged
battles with my pursuits, the family’s wishes and my desire for a better life –
an idea that keeps getting more and more ideal and incredulous as days go by,
have taken away a lot of my innocent happiness. These moments are now few and
far between and mostly restricted to gastronomic satisfaction.
But, not everything has been blue. I did manage to change jobs.
I took a decision that many considered unwise and unsafe, and managed to make
it right. I learnt new things. I was exposed to interesting perspectives. I was
taught to think. Think structurally, think logically. At the end of it, while, The
world erupted in joy and indulged in permitted/controlled orgy, I wore the satisfied
smile of Bhuvaneshwar Kumar after a 5-for.
Somehow I find the cliched metaphor
of life as a "long drive" fascinating. A drive where you are guessing and second
guessing the final destination A journey, sometimes off the beaten path, in other times taking wrong turns, all the while taking in the weather, the scenery and the music in the air. The last couple of
years though, have not been about these wrong turns or rough weather. I have
felt many a time, my hands slipping on the steering wheel or flailing about to
find the right gears, like a puppeteer who has lost one too many of his
strings.
Uncertainty has never scared me much. I have always found an
inner resolve to stay on my feet to stay focused. This thing though, has been scary. I
can’t find “me” to find the resolve within myself. Things that were steady are now slippery.
There’s the road, there is the car and then there’s me. It’s all a mess and I have
no idea where to start to fix things.
