aaaaa fireee

(One morning, all bleary eyed, I walked up to the wash basin at the nearer of the two ends. After theatrically splashing my face with water and admiring myself on the mirror with the water rolling down my face, I caught sight of  a lone hammer, held captive, balefully staring out of the open door. Below the glass casing was written : "hammer for breaking the window glass for emergency exit" . My cognitive powers had not peaked as yet as it was still pretty early in the morning and my pausing and parsing was going all wrong...)

From my travel diaries : Exigency plan for a burning train (a step by step guide to exit through the emergency exit)

What to do when the AC coach catches fire?

Aaaaaaaaaaah fire… eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee save meeeeeeeeeeee?

No , this is not the right response. what is the right way? read on.

• Don’t panic. Stay put. Take a deep breath. Let it out, see whether that blows off the fire. No?  "NOOOO.WHAT DO I DO NOW?"  you enquire politely.
• Keep calm. You are in an AC coach, maintain your dignity. Politely apprise your co-passenger of the situation in crisp English. "Fire fire aaag aag (with appropriate hand gesticulation)"
• Next, look for an escape. Emergency windows are located near the ends of all AC coaches. Locate it.
• Once you have located it, collect your wits, get a hold of yourself and move on. you need to find the hammer. The hammer at the end of the compartment.The light at the end of the tunnel. (Send a small prayer to make sure you are moving towards the right end as the hammer is placed only at one end sometimes).
• The seconds are ticking by.Run. Courage favours the brave, brave favours the fortune, no fortune favours the brave. Don’t be confused like this, be calm. Proceed to the exit. Avoid stampede. Make a single file. Sing 'fire in the mountain' and people will run run run, Run along with them. 
• Now pay attention.The next step has the distinction of extracting an expletive out of every person who has tried it, realized the stupidity of all this and saved himself, by jumping out of the train. But you are cultured, you speak fluent English. So when you see 'this'… don’t panic. 
• 'This'

The hammer with DIY instructions on top.





• ’this’ that you see near the door might seem like one of Jigsaw’s wicked schemes, it is if you think about it… but you become a better person for it.
• Wipe off the stray tear that has trickled down. Fight the overwhelming urge to jump off the train. It might just be two steps away,tantalisingly close, but it is not the right thing to do. Be stupid, be noble and don’t be shallow. 17 virgins are waiting for you in heaven (it is not a good thing, you are actually gay). Don't cry. Don't die 
• Clear you head, Take a close look:

'Break the glass'
How?
With a key (please observe the picture closer)
No key.
Coin?
Ok… Doesn't work, sweaty hands...
Scratch with nails ya…
Aaah that sound makes me uneasy.
Ok break it with your shoulder.

Cool beans.

• Once you have the glass out of your way take out the hammer. A small word of advice here, please don’t pause here.Why? You would look extremely stupid standing with a hammer after breaking a glass for it.There is no 'save' for you. Rush back into the inferno, against the tide, against common logic, against your faith. Trust Indian railways. This is the moment of truth.
• Find a window, swing the hammer back, aim and let it rip. You should have a good, free swing now that most of your friends have already jumped their way out of the coach through the doors.

*CRACK*

Take another swing

*crack*

Another one

*crack*

With all your might

*SPLINTER*

• Get out, the heavens will open, the rain will pour; and my friend you will remember, Hope is a good thing, may be the best of things and no good thing ever dies.

The epic war of spices, The final Solution

History never lies. A period of peace is always followed by war and the following paragraphs, as a mark of this impending violence, further ahead, may be accentuated by many commas violating the peace of small and simple sentences.

The people of Andhra loved kara kozhambu. They enjoyed it so much that they decided to ask for the recipe. Now, it is human tendency to balk in the glory of your success for some time; especially when you hold all the aces.
Polite rejection:

“Thambi enga vandhirkeeha?? (where have you come? brother)”
“Naaku recipe kavali ( I want the recipe)”
“No”

The actual exchange:
“Thambi enga vandhirkeeha?? ( where have you come?)”
“Naaku recipe kavali ( I want the recipe)”
“For what?”
"Kara korambu"
"What?"
"Kara kolambu?"
"Haha what?"
"Kara kodambu"
"Hahaha Pronounce it correctly and we will see"
"Kara kombu (hot horn, in tamil)"
"You can go ask angry cows for that"
*storms off*

The Telugu vadus(people) found the 'ழ' (zha) of the tamil horribly difficult to pronounce. Even though, a lot of native Tamil speakers didn’t pronounce it correctly, the tamil took great pleasure in making fun of the telugu folk. This derision was so rampant that the guests were becoming a bit uncomfortable with the hospitality. Added to that, they were also fast becoming the butt of xenophobic jokes; the laughing stock(of kara kozhambu), if you may.

One starry night, in an open bar, as in, one without a roof, at the edge of madras, 'unknown' by the name Ennore, a portmanteau of enna and ooru (what + place),a gruff, drunk voice broke out amid the general buzz of gibberish.

“Let us show them kuzka’s mutton” roared ABCD Raju. By now, people with two initials in Andhra had begotten kids with three initials and ABC Dharma Raju decided to add a fourth one by shortening his name for good fortune.
“Is it kulka?” inquired his diminutive friend, afraid of the lampooning that might follow later
“No Kuzka, Kuska I think… Eh whatever, let us show them that ra…” Raju retorted.

Confusion followed conniption which was further followed by commotion. It is believed that, following the war cry, all hell broke loose and Raju, in the middle of the resulting melee, vowed just deserts for all the repression and ridiculing. People still talk about the crazy eyes of ABCD Raju on that night. This particular expression can still be found on the expressive faces of the villain characters of telugu and tamil cinema. On that day though, ABCD Raju, who had powerful, in fact very powerful, political friends, went back to plot his revenge.

One note: no more, no less: No one knows what Mr Raju meant by kuska, he was pretty drunk on that day. Later though, this kuska became widely used to refer to chicken biryani without chicken, mutton biryani without mutton or vegetable biryani without vegetables, a total waste, reminding one of the ‘total waste’- ness of the uproar that day.

The small outrage in a nameless place, north of madras, had suddenly rekindled the rage that had been dormant all this time. People bayed for blood in the streets. The fight threatened the whole of south India. The sleeper cells of the weapons divisions, disbanded a decade ago were woken up for what would be later be referred to the Machilipatnam project (1975). A project whose aim was to settle the spice war once and for all.

The 'solution' was called 'TsarGonkura' or Emperor Gonkura(This is now deployed in a controlled environment for civil consumption as Gonkura pachadi). Originally developed in the labs under highly secure surveillance with great care, this project was a first of its kind. The raw materials were procured from various parts of Andhra with the best of available quality. In a rare show of intelligence, they were transported in public vehicles like busses, to avoid detection by spies. Some of these busses, in state of derelict disrepair are still running today reminding the few who know, of its glorious past.

The Tsar Gonkura had a three stage core. A sour base, a fissile red chili paste and an oil tamper. This was designed to obliterate the entire intestine by the time it reached the rectum. The design was slightly modified later, just before testing, to lessen the impact on the native civilian population as it would have otherwise been detrimental to a ‘show of strength’ if no one could ever eat it. The first test was carried out in a controlled manner beside the river Godavari with large amounts of ‘ice water’ reserves (the river water flowing just a few feet away acting as a back up).

A news report on the first test conducted at an undisclosed location on the river bank of Godavari 50 KM from Rajamundry(1979):

“Within seconds after the ball of Gonkura touched the palate, a blood curdling yell was heard that shattered the windshields of busses moving peacefully across the Godavari bridge. This was followed, almost instantaneously, by the face turning bright red and water condensing at the eye level flowing down like the river Godavari. The fall-out lasted for days with the ensuing diarrhea refusing to respond to all known medication. The yell was so loud that it was recorded at a Kashmir radio station, listeners of which disregarded it as a particularly long and irritating static noise. Shammi Kapoor Who was holidaying there, was believed to have mobilized his men to look around for the prankster making fun of him.”

The news of this test shook everyone up. None more than the neighbouring state, which faced an imminent threat. Fearing insanity if the war continued any longer, the Tamil population conceded their defeat. A treaty was signed in 1980 to start making sweets instead. This unwittingly saved a million lives; probably more, if you included the ‘adventurous’ foreign tourists who might have wanted to get a taste of the local cuisine. Many recipes were exchanged by both sides during the signing of treaty as a goodwill gesture. By the early 80s as a result of the white flag, the three part composition used in Tsar Gonkura was successfully deployed for peaceful purposes; many new pickles were created and to great success.

In Andhra the experiments still continued. Avakkai was used instead of Gonkura to increase the sourness of the base; this was however channelized to constructive use with curd rice, delivering gastronomic kicks, going down with the cool curd rice. As a result of the pact, new research was initiated in making sweets like the complicated Pothereklu.

Over the years, many other chutneys, mixes, concoctions of various intensities have been reported across India. There are unsubstantiated claims of an Englishman running around like a colloidal particle after having a taste of the marathi “thecha” made from chili and garlic. Till date though, Tsar Gonkura remains the wildest and hottest concoction made by sane humans etching out a permanent place in the Indian folk lore.

~fin

The epic war of spices : Part 3, The rejoinder

Part three of most stories are mind numbingly boring. The chief selling point is the apparent progression of the story or the apparent introduction of plot changing characters. This blog doesn’t employ a PR agency to moderate mass messaging.  Hence the blow of boredom is not going to be cushioned..

By 1967,where this part takes off, the congress was all but uprooted from Tamil nadu. This, though irrelevant to this story, holds some significance to the readers of this blog who can leave this passage right now and read up briefly, on the fascinating history of the madras presidency and later the madras state. The links may really be interesting and you might end up forgetting that you were directed to those pages from here. So, I beseech you to be lazy to click on those links and to continue with the next paragraph.

Before getting started... what is a response to a rejoinder called? God only knows a? ok.
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Madras welcomed guests with open arms and soon businesses were set up. There were a lot of people from Andhra, Kerala and some from Karnataka too.The Marwaris gheroed Sowcarpet. One wonders if Sowcarpet was two deg. cooler than the rest of Chennai(Chinnai is hot yaar). History is not very clear about this. 

In time, many Andhra messes crop up in lacalities with considerable Telugu poppulation serving up piping hot Andhra meals. The amount of rice served in these places per day, if stacked one behind the other at one rice thickness would… hmmm… ok this was really before the time of internet so placing an absurd comparison on this is beyond me…  let us say it  would cover 2-3(say) foot(d) ball fields or something. The essence of the statement though, is that large quantities of rice were served.But, this was not the novelty; the novelty of the place was finding more green chillies than vegetables in the various broths served by them and the Gunpowder, silently lurking just out of eyesight.

While this Andhra mess movement grew, offering a spicy alternative to the pretty bland local cuisine, the other messes like the ‘erode kurinji mess’ and the ‘namakal nayagan mess’ started losing its patrons. The cold war had fizzled out by now, but the slow weapon deployed by Srinivas was working with cold precision. It was hurting in a way not originally designed for; but, it was hurting.

The Dravidian movement was at its zenith and anything non Tamil was met with, err… Tamil. The Tamil mess uzhiyar sangam (TMUS) (Tamil mess employees union) approached the Chief Minister with a petition banning Andhra messes from Tamil Nadu. “Andhra is also north Indian, anything north of Chennai is north India” reasoned a visibly tempestuous Sathiyamoorthy. 

The CM heard the petition out and is said to have remarked "andhra mess a? ithu enna vengayam" (what Andhra mess?? onions!!)

One more note: Though it is puzzling, this random reference to onions; it is a popular phrase first used by one of the then CM’s mentor ‘Periyar’. Used with the right intonation and swagger it can be remarkably dismissive of the topic in discussion.

The CM’s aide though, one Mr Chokkalingam, was a shrewd fellow. He understood that there were already too many protests to organize, quell and ghost direct. This issue cannot become another one of those. He walked home that day, contemplating his move against this new problem at hand.

“What do I do? What do I do?”

Onions!! the CM’s voice played in his head.

“Hehe… onions…Wait... onions… Why not?” He got up. Sambar shall be fought with sambar, kootu with kootu, poriyal with poriyal (various constituents of a Tamil cuisine). He recalled his wife Meenakshi’s first attempt at cooking. It had been a disaster. What had started out to be an edible broth had turned out so spicy that he had playfully named it "Kara Kozhambu" (through running nose and tears). That ‘kara kozhambu’ had onions which were small islands of solace in the swelttering sea  of orange. It was wild. but like some wild things, delightfully so, and with a potential to take on the formidable foe.

Mr. Choks slyly introduced a tempered version of Meenakshi’s recipe at strategic hangout spots. The Kara Kozhambu, a devilish concoction of spices magically burned tongues while putting a smile on the crying faces. The play of various emotions on the face was an added bonus for the cook to watch. 

Strangely, this was followed by a lot of culinary experimentation on both sides. A lot of cuisines were ‘Indianised’. Slowly gobi machurian, originally from a place near Gobi (not gobichettypalayam), chicken 65, maggi noodles, etc. were included as a part of the 'cuisine'. A period of happiness and contentment followed.

But… things change... part 4...