The epic war of spices : Part 2, The rebuttal

The Head of bio warfare, Capsaicin division, Andhra - one Mr R.T. Srinivas was given the task of answering back to the Tamil taunt. This Srinivas was a man of considerable fortitude. He was lean, healthy and well fed. (What Varadhachari would have called a ‘chamathu kutti’ which translates to ‘smart small’, which actually implies a smart boy). He also had a keen taste for fashion and many believed that in this regard, he was way ahead of his time. He would carry off pink and yellow with such grace and masculinity that the womenfolk stayed away from those colours for the next few days.

He also spoke many languages.  He spoke English too.  

“What re? their sambar is spicy?”

“Yes saar” his understudy replied.

“I like this sweet flavour of bisibelabath, why spoil it in the name of war ra?”

“Dunno saar”

“Our boss is going mad over this issue... let us see… lunch chesara?” (had lunch?)

“Yes saar”

“What?”

“Curd rice with mango pickle.”

“Oh... I love that, sweet and sour... they are very tasty.”

“Yes saar”

He absentmindedly blew at his hair from his lower lips, a mannerism that he had picked up from the movies. His hair fluttered coyly in response.

A few more seconds passed. The clock on the wall ticked away.

Exhaling deeply, he got up. “I’m going to eat now, let me think about it while I eat…”

“Ok saar”

“Please finish the report the PM asked for. ‘Open drains as a prospective weapon of self-destruction’ or something no? That one…”

“Yes saar, Saar but that is not even in our scope saar”

“em cheyyali babu… they are saying garden drainage toilet drainage something and all, all smell the same no? what is difference…”

“ok saar”

“like this only is life, plus order is from the centre,nothing can be done ”

“Ok saar”

“sarra babu, nenu vellostanu”(I’ll be back)

“Ok saar”. 

So, while our Srinivas takes his lunch, he encounters ‘Curd chilli’ (a direct translation furnished for the benefit of the English speaking population). The Side dish, as they were called (not the ones we wrongly refer to now; stuff like pickle, chicken 65 or roasted peanuts), for curd rice, covered a variety of edible delights. The salted pickles, the raw onions, the chutneys, and for the adventurous ones, raw green chillies. The Curd chilli, being munched by Srinivas presently, is chilli emasculated by drying it in the sun after dunking it curd and salt. It is found in both Tamil and Andhra cuisines.

Srinivas gets his ‘eureka’ moment as he licks the last of his fingers and reaches for the glass of water. He leans back allowing the moment to pass, letting the bile settle down. He stares at nothingness for a while and nods off to sleep.

A Chilli Cries for help as it is slowly pulled into the quagmire of sour curd. The cries become more and more strident as it nears its death. Finally, there is nothing but deathly silence.

A lone tear streaks across Srinivas’ face. He wakes up, “I shall never have this again, I shall become a vegetarian like Gandhi. "Wait what? no...“. In his confusion, He is suddenly struck with a bright idea.

Note: Had this been a story written by a fellow who had an inclination to stitch in historic events for drama, Srinivas, at this juncture would have run on the streets naked, shouting “devudaaaaa”. But no. People of Andhra look down upon such things and running naked is a strict no no.

“Reddy garu, I have a plan.” Srinivas gasped. He paused for a bit, panting at the door way, having ‘fast-walked’ across the lawn. Reddy garu or A.V. Raghava Reddy was Srinivas's reporting officer.

“What?”

“Sir(not saar, because srini is posh), if we slowly increase the spiciness in our food, uniformly, in small quantities, such that even our people don’t realize the difference, over time, the Sambar, the weapon of the Tamils would be part of our regular stock. In a few years, we can surely render their 'sambar sadham' impotent.”

“Hmmm…” Reddy removed his spectacles with his pudgy fingers and wiped them. He was a stout man. When he leaned back, the chairs creaked. The biggest research in the weapons division was on the durability of A.V. Raghava Reddy’s chair. If they could only isolate the element that kept the chair together, they could design bomb proof tanks, tank proof vehicles and dent proof bumpers and so on. In fact, the many nips on the chair falsely attributed to the mice in the office were actually the samples that had been removed surreptitiously for testing.

Putting them glasses back on, AVRR exhaled, “but, Srinu we need to respond spectacularly. They will think we are sissies otherwise”

“Sir, you are right, it does seem too slow a process, but we have to take a lot of factors into consideration. Primarily, our finances. The "unscientific" bifurcation has left Andhra poorer. It would be a huge setback if we were to waste funds on a weapon that would be ousted easily by the Tamils two years down the line.”

“I can see your point Srinu... It is also true that you are a 'deergadarsi' like lord Krishna. I always like that about you... But in this case... "

“Sir, if I may add, Madras is going through a tumultuous period with Rajaji facing opposition from lot of quarters. If we can ever do something like this, it is now.”

“You have started advising me now”

“Saar no saar(the crowd pleasing version of sir)… your experience is my age, what saar, you are telling like this… just telling my view”

“Hmmm… let me see”

“Also, sir, to speed up the process of “heat calibration” we can use this mixture I have manufactured in our lab, I was just reviewing the results of its testing last week. It is a highly potent weapon for air attacks leaving the opposition sneezing and watering through their eyes. It incapacitates the opposition for up to four hours. But frankly Sir, I really don’t see it being deployed in the near future. I thought we could use the composition for this programme, with your permission.”

“For ingestion?”

“Yes…”

“Oh!”

“Yes… it does not taste that bad actually.”

“what? You have tasted it?”

“Accidently”

“what is it? safety is as simple as ABC or something right? always be careful or something… what happened to all that nonsense?“

“saaaar”

“Hmm... Ok ok I will see… but this is a nice addition now”.

“Yes, sir kandi podi”

“Thank you Srinivas, now you may leave”

“Thank you sir, it is also called GUN POWDER”

And thus began Operation Meals, Andhra Meals 

..... part 3