History never lies. A period of peace is always followed by
war and the following paragraphs, as a mark of this impending violence, further
ahead, may be accentuated by many commas violating the peace of small and
simple sentences.
The people of Andhra loved kara kozhambu. They enjoyed it so much that they decided to ask for the recipe. Now, it is human tendency to balk in the glory of your success for some time; especially when you hold all the aces.
Polite rejection:
The people of Andhra loved kara kozhambu. They enjoyed it so much that they decided to ask for the recipe. Now, it is human tendency to balk in the glory of your success for some time; especially when you hold all the aces.
Polite rejection:
“Thambi enga vandhirkeeha?? (where have you come? brother)”
“Naaku recipe kavali ( I want the recipe)”
“No”
“Naaku recipe kavali ( I want the recipe)”
“No”
The actual exchange:
“Thambi enga vandhirkeeha?? ( where have you come?)”
“Naaku recipe kavali ( I want the recipe)”
“For what?”
"Kara korambu"
"What?"
"Kara kolambu?"
"Haha what?"
"Kara kodambu"
"Hahaha Pronounce it correctly and we will see"
"Kara kombu (hot horn, in tamil)"
"You can go ask angry cows for that"
*storms off*
The Telugu vadus(people) found the 'ழ' (zha) of the tamil horribly difficult to pronounce. Even though, a lot of native Tamil speakers didn’t pronounce it correctly, the tamil took great pleasure in making fun of the telugu folk. This derision was so rampant that the guests were becoming a bit uncomfortable with the hospitality. Added to that, they were also fast becoming the butt of xenophobic jokes; the laughing stock(of kara kozhambu), if you may.
One starry night, in an open bar, as in, one without a roof, at the edge of madras, 'unknown' by the name Ennore, a portmanteau of enna and ooru (what + place),a gruff, drunk voice broke out amid the general buzz of gibberish.
“Thambi enga vandhirkeeha?? ( where have you come?)”
“Naaku recipe kavali ( I want the recipe)”
“For what?”
"Kara korambu"
"What?"
"Kara kolambu?"
"Haha what?"
"Kara kodambu"
"Hahaha Pronounce it correctly and we will see"
"Kara kombu (hot horn, in tamil)"
"You can go ask angry cows for that"
*storms off*
The Telugu vadus(people) found the 'ழ' (zha) of the tamil horribly difficult to pronounce. Even though, a lot of native Tamil speakers didn’t pronounce it correctly, the tamil took great pleasure in making fun of the telugu folk. This derision was so rampant that the guests were becoming a bit uncomfortable with the hospitality. Added to that, they were also fast becoming the butt of xenophobic jokes; the laughing stock(of kara kozhambu), if you may.
One starry night, in an open bar, as in, one without a roof, at the edge of madras, 'unknown' by the name Ennore, a portmanteau of enna and ooru (what + place),a gruff, drunk voice broke out amid the general buzz of gibberish.
“Let us show them kuzka’s mutton” roared ABCD Raju. By now, people with two initials in Andhra had begotten kids with three initials and ABC Dharma Raju decided to add a fourth one by shortening his name for good
fortune.
“Is it kulka?” inquired his diminutive friend, afraid of the lampooning that might follow later
“No Kuzka, Kuska I think… Eh whatever, let us show them that ra…” Raju retorted.
Confusion followed conniption which was further followed by commotion. It is believed that, following the war cry, all hell broke loose and Raju, in the middle of the resulting melee, vowed just deserts for all the repression and ridiculing. People still talk about the crazy eyes of ABCD Raju on that night. This particular expression can still be found on the expressive faces of the villain characters of telugu and tamil cinema. On that day though, ABCD Raju, who had powerful, in fact very powerful, political friends, went back to plot his revenge.
One note: no more, no less: No one knows what Mr Raju meant by kuska, he was pretty drunk on that day. Later though, this kuska became widely used to refer to chicken biryani without chicken, mutton biryani without mutton or vegetable biryani without vegetables, a total waste, reminding one of the ‘total waste’- ness of the uproar that day.
The small outrage in a nameless place, north of madras, had suddenly rekindled the rage that had been dormant all this time. People bayed for blood in the streets. The fight threatened the whole of south India. The sleeper cells of the weapons divisions, disbanded a decade ago were woken up for what would be later be referred to the Machilipatnam project (1975). A project whose aim was to settle the spice war once and for all.
The 'solution' was called 'TsarGonkura' or Emperor Gonkura(This is now deployed in a controlled environment for civil consumption as Gonkura pachadi). Originally developed in the labs under highly secure surveillance with great care, this project was a first of its kind. The raw materials were procured from various parts of Andhra with the best of available quality. In a rare show of intelligence, they were transported in public vehicles like busses, to avoid detection by spies. Some of these busses, in state of derelict disrepair are still running today reminding the few who know, of its glorious past.
“Is it kulka?” inquired his diminutive friend, afraid of the lampooning that might follow later
“No Kuzka, Kuska I think… Eh whatever, let us show them that ra…” Raju retorted.
Confusion followed conniption which was further followed by commotion. It is believed that, following the war cry, all hell broke loose and Raju, in the middle of the resulting melee, vowed just deserts for all the repression and ridiculing. People still talk about the crazy eyes of ABCD Raju on that night. This particular expression can still be found on the expressive faces of the villain characters of telugu and tamil cinema. On that day though, ABCD Raju, who had powerful, in fact very powerful, political friends, went back to plot his revenge.
One note: no more, no less: No one knows what Mr Raju meant by kuska, he was pretty drunk on that day. Later though, this kuska became widely used to refer to chicken biryani without chicken, mutton biryani without mutton or vegetable biryani without vegetables, a total waste, reminding one of the ‘total waste’- ness of the uproar that day.
The small outrage in a nameless place, north of madras, had suddenly rekindled the rage that had been dormant all this time. People bayed for blood in the streets. The fight threatened the whole of south India. The sleeper cells of the weapons divisions, disbanded a decade ago were woken up for what would be later be referred to the Machilipatnam project (1975). A project whose aim was to settle the spice war once and for all.
The 'solution' was called 'TsarGonkura' or Emperor Gonkura(This is now deployed in a controlled environment for civil consumption as Gonkura pachadi). Originally developed in the labs under highly secure surveillance with great care, this project was a first of its kind. The raw materials were procured from various parts of Andhra with the best of available quality. In a rare show of intelligence, they were transported in public vehicles like busses, to avoid detection by spies. Some of these busses, in state of derelict disrepair are still running today reminding the few who know, of its glorious past.
The Tsar Gonkura had a three stage core. A sour base, a
fissile red chili paste and an oil tamper. This was designed to obliterate the
entire intestine by the time it reached the rectum. The design was slightly
modified later, just before testing, to lessen the impact on the native
civilian population as it would have otherwise been detrimental to a ‘show of
strength’ if no one could ever eat it. The first test was carried out in a
controlled manner beside the river Godavari with large amounts of ‘ice water’ reserves (the river water
flowing just a few feet away acting as a back up).
A news report on the first test conducted at an undisclosed location on the river bank of Godavari 50 KM from Rajamundry(1979):
“Within seconds after the ball of Gonkura touched the palate, a blood curdling yell was heard that shattered the windshields of busses moving peacefully across the Godavari bridge. This was followed, almost instantaneously, by the face turning bright red and water condensing at the eye level flowing down like the river Godavari. The fall-out lasted for days with the ensuing diarrhea refusing to respond to all known medication. The yell was so loud that it was recorded at a Kashmir radio station, listeners of which disregarded it as a particularly long and irritating static noise. Shammi Kapoor Who was holidaying there, was believed to have mobilized his men to look around for the prankster making fun of him.”
The news of this test shook everyone up. None more than the neighbouring state, which faced an imminent threat. Fearing insanity if the war continued any longer, the Tamil population conceded their defeat. A treaty was signed in 1980 to start making sweets instead. This unwittingly saved a million lives; probably more, if you included the ‘adventurous’ foreign tourists who might have wanted to get a taste of the local cuisine. Many recipes were exchanged by both sides during the signing of treaty as a goodwill gesture. By the early 80s as a result of the white flag, the three part composition used in Tsar Gonkura was successfully deployed for peaceful purposes; many new pickles were created and to great success.
In Andhra the experiments still continued. Avakkai was used instead of Gonkura to increase the sourness of the base; this was however channelized to constructive use with curd rice, delivering gastronomic kicks, going down with the cool curd rice. As a result of the pact, new research was initiated in making sweets like the complicated Pothereklu.
Over the years, many other chutneys, mixes, concoctions of various intensities have been reported across India. There are unsubstantiated claims of an Englishman running around like a colloidal particle after having a taste of the marathi “thecha” made from chili and garlic. Till date though, Tsar Gonkura remains the wildest and hottest concoction made by sane humans etching out a permanent place in the Indian folk lore.
~fin
A news report on the first test conducted at an undisclosed location on the river bank of Godavari 50 KM from Rajamundry(1979):
“Within seconds after the ball of Gonkura touched the palate, a blood curdling yell was heard that shattered the windshields of busses moving peacefully across the Godavari bridge. This was followed, almost instantaneously, by the face turning bright red and water condensing at the eye level flowing down like the river Godavari. The fall-out lasted for days with the ensuing diarrhea refusing to respond to all known medication. The yell was so loud that it was recorded at a Kashmir radio station, listeners of which disregarded it as a particularly long and irritating static noise. Shammi Kapoor Who was holidaying there, was believed to have mobilized his men to look around for the prankster making fun of him.”
The news of this test shook everyone up. None more than the neighbouring state, which faced an imminent threat. Fearing insanity if the war continued any longer, the Tamil population conceded their defeat. A treaty was signed in 1980 to start making sweets instead. This unwittingly saved a million lives; probably more, if you included the ‘adventurous’ foreign tourists who might have wanted to get a taste of the local cuisine. Many recipes were exchanged by both sides during the signing of treaty as a goodwill gesture. By the early 80s as a result of the white flag, the three part composition used in Tsar Gonkura was successfully deployed for peaceful purposes; many new pickles were created and to great success.
In Andhra the experiments still continued. Avakkai was used instead of Gonkura to increase the sourness of the base; this was however channelized to constructive use with curd rice, delivering gastronomic kicks, going down with the cool curd rice. As a result of the pact, new research was initiated in making sweets like the complicated Pothereklu.
Over the years, many other chutneys, mixes, concoctions of various intensities have been reported across India. There are unsubstantiated claims of an Englishman running around like a colloidal particle after having a taste of the marathi “thecha” made from chili and garlic. Till date though, Tsar Gonkura remains the wildest and hottest concoction made by sane humans etching out a permanent place in the Indian folk lore.
~fin
