The Zuckerberg Reactions

"Freinds, today we shall look at an alternate approach to determine gender.
At present, with the sports authorities all over the world feeling insecure about the participant's gender as soon as the presentation ceremony is over,this test assumes great significance.Most of these cases are athletics based;Female athletes turn out to be males. How? more importantly, why?. God knows why. Till now,thankfully,there have been no instance of a female taking drugs to compete in the men's 100m dash. Maybe male athleticism is not glamorous enough.

Anyway, this test is very similar to the salt analysis you carry out in your chemistry labs. Very procedural, very methodical. So,kindly read through the sheet I've given each one of you,very quietly, and ask any doubts you may have as and when they arise"

The Zuckerberg tests

Test for group A.

Take a picture of the specimen, post it in Facebook and wait for 5 to 10 minutes

Observation: If there are more than 25 likes, Group A

If Group A, proceed to confirmation test else proceed to step 2

Confirmation test: Count the number of likes, if there are more than 50 likes, really hot babe.Female confirmed.

If it lies between 25-50.Highly intelligent and really good looking Female.

Test for group B.

Take a picture of the same specimen in traditional attire, post it in Facebook and wait for 5 to 10 minutes. Test gives better results with full frame snaps.

Observation: If there are more than 25 likes & comments together, Group B

If Group B, proceed to confirmation test, else proceed to step 3

Confirmation test: Count the number of likes, if there are more than 20 likes: Female, looks good with makeup and has reasonable levels of intelligence

If there are 10-15 likes and about 5-10 comments that say, Pei, boodham, ghost, booth etc.. smart Female with reasonably good looks.

Test for group C.
Get a mug shot of the specimen’s face; Replace it as the DP of the specimen. Post status message: "I'll strip if NDA decide on their presidential candidate"
The Status message should vary according to reaction conditions. The general conditions should make favourable for a SN1 reaction; the first step should be a slow step and it should be totally dependent on the substrate concentration. Other examples of such reactions include Sachin's 100th 100, Sania's second round qualification etc.
Observation: If there are more than 25 likes & comments together, Group C
If Group C, proceed to confirmation test, else proceed to step 4
Confirmation test: Analyse comments under microscope,
If there are positive/ vulgar comments with more than 15 likes, Female with severe attention issues.
If there are 5-15 likes with 10 comments discussing topics like world politics, Chennai heat, TNEB power cut etc. Differently abled female face(being politically correct)

Test for group D.

If Test for group C yields a negative test, put Shakthi kapoor and the specimen in the same room.

Observation & confirmation :If Shakthi runs out, Test confirmed: Specimen is Male

If the specimen runs out, the test is inconclusive, proceed with DNA tests.

"So friends, you may ask me, what if the DNA tests comes out inconclusive? Then, the benefit of the doubt can be given to the batsman. Wait, wrong sport, Sorry. Anyway, if the tests are inconclusive, Pinki Pramanik Can retain her medal and live happily ever after.

Boys and girls,We have come to the end of today's class and I’ll leave u with this thought for today. This is what Thiruvalluvar wrote after watching the Epic, lock stock and two smoking barrels

Thuppaki thuppala thuppaki thappagi thuppakith

thappala two mazhai

G’bye friends...cheerio sweeties"

G1:Dei ram what is his name??

G2:Professor Michael Jackson

G1:OOHH I see... ok da bye...

Rose Tinted

Beauty? What is that? I don't know. Neither can I define it. This train is presently chugging along at 80kph through dry, barren agricultural lands. It’s that time of the year when the nature is scantily clad in greenery & the sun relentlessly beats down on it. The coach is sultry and scorched with the railway fans blowing really really hot . While most co passengers are grumbling about their fate , I silently enjoy the travel, sitting by the window.

When it was inevitable that I would be travelling in sleeper class, I was chided for not planning my trip early, I was told it'd be unbearable, I was told I would shrivel up like a raisin, I was told I would become two tones darker by the time I got down. I agree, it is hot, it is sapping. But I wasn't told there would be a variety of gregarious co passengers, not in the least bit self absorbed. I wasn't told I would be witnessing unbelievable shades of brown and "dry grass" green, I wasn't told I would be witnessing a picture perfect profile of a lady framed in the golden evening sun. I wasn't told that the sun, setting on these barren lands would look so spectacular. Maybe I’m mad; maybe it’s the heat frying up my brains. But I really wish I could show you these things through my eyes or at least through a lens; if only the subject in contention was less transient.

As I get up and move towards the door I realize that for me, all train journeys are beautiful regardless of the conditions, unless of course, you're mobbed by people with unreserved tickets, then it does becomes unpleasant. I use the word beautiful because beauty is something that captures you. The sound of metal rattling along the tracks is a mesmerizing rhythm of human achievement. The pleasure of standing on the footsteps and watching the ground beneath zoom past you is priceless

As I stand here, the wind blowing across my face I’m reminded of another remarkable journey I had few years back. In my previous Job I had to take the Chennai MRTS to reach my work place. On that particular day, the work had been strenuous and I was just returning back . As usual, I was at the footsteps along with a few others. The day had been dark and cloudy throughout, totally in sync with my gloominess. Soon enough, there was a cloudburst and it started raining like crazy. The train at this point was travelling so fast that these drops, as they fell down, were striking us horizontally. We were drenched from head to toe in no time. Those ten minutes defined the word 'bliss'. Absolute bliss. we stood there shaking while the more formally attired co-passengers looked at us balefully.Now, imagine a shower of cold water at full throttle on your face, that would be just half as good as this. A jet ski ride?? Hmm comparable, I would say.

Presently, I spot the chai wallah at the end of the coach and I want a cuppa.As i wade across back to  my seat, the girl sitting across looks even prettier. The reddish glow of the setting sun and a smile playing on her lips; oh wait, I think she has been aware of me stealing glances at her all this time.
Life is beautiful. Isn’t it??

Fact 5

1.    RCB colours are inspired from shakthiman.

This is pretty obvious, they have the same stripes, base colour and Vijay Mallya dresses up very similar  to the mad scientist DR. Jackal (pronounced jackaaalll, This guy used to say “power” at the drop of a hat). Rumour has it that after the middle finger incident, Shakthiman landed next this Kholi fellow and advised him not to do it again. This was followed by a penitent “sorry shakthimaan” from Kholi. It is also said that Gayle is a suryavanshi and in his previous life, meditated with shakthiman’s grampa in the forests of karadunga in Meluha. In time He found Meluha pretty boring and moved to West Indies. In all fairness though,Indomitable that he is, I don’t think Gayle has seen meira kumar smile, KXIP could’ve brought her along with Pretty and they’d be leading the table now.

2.    Meira kumar’s scary

At a time when she’s running for presidential seat, this would seem like paid news. No.... not really..... This woman..... she’s really scary. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve watched her on LS TV.For those of you who have no idea about LS TV; Lok sabha TV is a Doordharshan channel that captures the best reality show in India, the Indian parliament, in its pristine beauty. Anyway, I digress here; I shall proceed to the topic in discussion. Collect various mug shots of her and make a slide show with these in movie maker. Use fade out and fade in options only. Use a suitable soundtrack. A sound track with the wind howling through trees should do. If you still think u have seen better, get those shots where she’s smiling; the ones with her teeth showing. Evil dead will be a tickle after this.

3.    Ghosts are sadistic

They are, they are. Apparently souls with unsatisfied desires become ghosts. They torment people guys and girls alike. If you are a hot babe, the lecherous ghost lets you run around in a bikini while it follows with hands raised (similar to the ones in Scooby doo). Ghosts having low confidence levels come over to kollywood and torment Raghava Lawrence. Ghosts are easily irritated by scooby doo though, it’s analogous to a successful guy listening to someone say “behind every successful man there’s a woman”;there's always a man behind every ghost.
There are some ghosts that seem to have a heart. But no! They are devious . They help a random middle class couple get together; get married. After this the ghosts hang/float around with other dudes with some popcorn and watch as the couple move into an apartment, have problems with apartment associations, apartment kids, their kids, school fees.etc. Insidious I say!  And what is to be said if the female contracts cancer and the guy dies of a heart attack on being informed of it. Diabolic ghosts! 

4.    Jumping is the best solution:

Talking of death, jumping is the best method for suicide. Not jumping from 2^nd or 3^rd floor,jumping from the skies. Why? I always base it on movie experiences, they reflect our society like no other

     Action: Heroine consumes a lot of sleeping pills to abort a bad marriage

     Result: She is rescued by the hero or is saved by a well wisher after being rushed into the ICU at top speed in a stretcher. The heroine actually likes this part; imagine being pushed through the corridor at top speed..... weeeeeee

     Action: Heroine walks along a railway track to smash into an oncoming train.

     Result: This is a tedious process. You have to keep walking and the train, in most cases, never reaches you though the horn and the lights always seem to be moving towards you. This situation can be best understood by imagining the train to be a lazy cow, just mooing and grazing around the track, taking two steps at a time. Eventually you get really pissed off and u walk back home. If at all a train does come at you, some Random guy will jump in and die before you or save you. Disappointing end, either way.

    Action: Hanging

    Result: This has a pretty good success rate but you do die painfully and stand a chance of becoming a ghoul later.

      

JUMPING!

Take to the skies in a biplane (don’t go too high u might die early due to pressure diff). Jump off at the right height without a chute; perform acrobatic stunts, experience weightlessness, feel the adrenalin rush and finally for the last 100m align your body head first like a homing missile and BAM. You’ve got your death with heights of ecstasy. Brilliant?

   The worst form of dying, as most would agree, would be slipping in your bathroom and banging your head against random things. Sad and nude.

5.    One sings really well in the bathroom:

This thought would have occurred at least once to a bathroom singer. here's "why". 
This is because the acoustics of the bathroom are designed in such a way that the reverberations and resonance produced in the bathroom gives your voice that ethereal, otherworldly feel. You can actually whistle the X files theme and make it sound pretty scary if you have access to a bathroom of the right size. The other thing that aid bathroom singers, especially the ones who find their calling in carnatic music is the temperature of water. If the water is very hot, u can touch high notes with real ease. During winters, you’d have such command over your ghamakhas that you’d think you have just achieved the pinnacle of proficiency . For rock addicts there’s nothing like a hand shower hose to transport one to the screaming stage.